Affair Recovery



Did you discover your partner is having an affair?

Do you feel paralyzed with pain right now?

Are you not sleeping, not eating? Unable to get through your day?

Is your head overwhelmed with questions? How could this have happened?

Is my marriage over? Should my marriage be over?

Discovering your partner is having an affair will be one of the most devastating experiences you will have in your life. If you have just discovered this secret, you are probably in a great deal of pain. Getting through your day doing the usual tasks may be difficult or impossible. Your head is full of questions: How could he/she lie to me? How did I not know this was going on? What went on between them? Will I, we experience affair recovery?

You may be wondering…should you ask your partner questions? How can you get through affair recovery?

This is up to you. The time following the discovery of an affair is traumatic for most people. Information from your partner about the affair may dribble out leaving you to create your own story. You will begin to put your own puzzle together with the information you are given. You have your own reality, your timeline of events and what you believed to be true. Learning that your partner has lied to you about where he/she has been, why he/she was unavailable for you and/or your family can make you feel crazy. You are not crazy; you are experiencing an emotional trauma.

Some partners do not want to know details about the affair, and some do. This is up to you and is part of your affair recovery.  If you want to know, then tell your partner you need these answers. In time, you may not need to discuss details of the affair, but rather focus on repairing your marriage. In affair recovery therapy we will help you both through this phase.

You may be wondering…will I ever trust him/her again?

This depends on what your partner does to repair and re-establish trust and this depends on you. Trust is risky. Over time you may be able to take the risk and trust your partner again. If you have some evidence that your partner wants to repair the marriage, you may feel like taking the risk. Some ways to begin rebuilding trust are: Stop the affair. Be transparent with electronic devices. Disclose honestly his/her whereabouts. Talk to you about why the affair happened. The affair was a choice. Learning how your partner arrived at this choice is valuable information. You will learn about the state of your marriage, you will learn about yourself and your partner.

You may be wondering…can therapy help our marriage?

Yes. You both must be willing to do the work. This means looking at yourself as well as the marriage. We will provide a neutral, safe place for you both to work through the crisis phase of discovering an affair. We can guide you through questions and answers, and keep the atmosphere as calm as possible. This is very difficult to do on your own. Partners will argue, often become aggressive with one another, and the conversation escalates to an unmanageable level. More harm is often done to one another when couples try to get through the crisis phase alone.

As therapists we see couples experiencing affairs quite often. The stages of recovery have some predictability so we can guide you through those stages.

We will also tell you what we know has been helpful for many other couples. For many couples, therapy has played a lead role in healing their marriage.

You may be wondering…what if my partner won’t go to therapy?

Not all marriages recover from an affair. Some partners will not go to couples therapy following an affair for many reasons. He/she may not want to end the affair. He/she may believe they are really in love with the other person. He/she may not want to repair the marriage. Answering questions about the affair is difficult, and rebuilding trust is difficult. Some people do not want to disclose where they are, or whom they are with during affair recovery therapy. They prefer the lifestyle of doing what they want when. Working through the repair process is not the choice for everyone. Therapy may not be the only way to recover, so if your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy, so you could try to explore this with him/her, if possible.   Some people are embarrassed and fear the therapist will “beat them up”. We assure you this will not happen.

You may be wondering…can my marriage recover?

Yes. This takes work. Many marriages report being better after this trauma because for the first time, they have talked about what wasn’t working. Couples can develop a deeper connection due to looking and talking about their marriage. Most important to recovery is being able to look at yourself, being willing to learn about yourself, and deciding what’s important to you. Deciding who you are, and living your life accordingly provides the opportunity to heal for both of you.

If you are dealing with recovering from an affair, please contact:

Kristi Sutter 770-361-7155                                      Elaine Wilco 770-650-8052